Excuses

"You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won't discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself"
               - Geneen Roth


That is a quote from the book Women Food and God; which I started reading after my last post. It definitely relates to my topic this week

I'm not sure if any of you have gone through this before but have you ever gotten to the gym and just sat in your car literally trying to convince yourself why you should not go? As if you could come up with some legitimate excuse for not exercising?! Really?! Well this has happened to me many of times on my various health trends but this time it was a bit different. I actually was trying to use the excuse that I couldn't do high intense workouts yet (because of my lungs); for not going. I was thinking what is the point? It's not like it will actually make a difference? In the back of my mind I knew I was full of s*** but it's always just been easier to come up with some excuse, because then you don't feel any guilt.

Thankfully I quickly snapped out of it after seeing a couple more people pull in the parking lot and get out of the car with their workout gear; and they did so without pondering a good excuse for not going!

I know everyone is going to have "those days" where you find it hard to get motivated, and it's very easy to come up with excuses but nothing beats that feeling after you finish a workout; regardless of how intense it was.

Roadblocks

So since my last post I went to see my specialist regarding my condition. Unfortunately there wasn't much progress made so I have to continue my IV treatments everyday until Jan 24th, when I will then be switched to oral antibiotics and then reassessed.

Surprisingly one of the most frustrating things about this situation is that the most physical activity I'm allowed to do is walk. And that is walking without allowing yourself to become short of  breath; but I guess we are dealing with my lungs. Now I know I should not be complaining because this situation could always be worse BUT I'm finally at a place where I'm ready and eager to change my lifestyle.

I have been really struggling with this over the past week as I have always considered walking; just that-walking. But instead of letting it affect my new journey, I have decided to focus on my mind first. I had purchased a book a few years ago called Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. I saw it on Oprah and knew I could completely relate. While I read it I remember hearing so many familiar things, but at that point in my life I wasn't ready to accept them.

So while going through my things in the basement this afternoon I came across that very book, and as soon as I saw it I knew I needed to read it again. I feel like reading it this time around will have a more profound affect on me, and will really give me the tools I need to move forward.

Here is a little summary of the book if you're interested! http://geneenroth.com/books/

Reality

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it"

First off I want to thank all who read and reached out to me after reading my first blog post! I'm overwhelmed with all the positive feedback; it means the world to me to have such great supporters after deciding to put myself out there. In all honesty after posting the other night, I felt the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. I went through so many anxious emotions and woke up the next morning asking myself .."did I seriously just do that?!" WELL I did and I couldn't be happier! 

So as you can recall from my previous post, I mentioned how my recent hospital stay really put all things into perspective for me. So I feel like you should all know what I have endured the past couple of months, to understand my feeling such way.

I spent the better end of October until mid November feeling the worst I have felt in my life. I was having symptoms of both mono and pneumonia, but instead of being taken seriously was told to stay home from work and rest. It wasn't until I started coughing up clots of blood and feeling like I was having a heart attack, that I was taken seriously. November 25th I was admitted to the hospital with a possible pulmonary embolism and severe pneumonia. After spending two and a half weeks in the hospital and seeing several specialists they concluded that I had pneumonia with a collapsed lung. 

I was overjoyed to be going home, staying in the hospital for an extended period of time really tests your sanity. Part of the deal of being discharged on December 12th was that I would have to come into the hospital everyday for a month to receive IV antibiotics; as the fluid had still not cleared from my lungs. Although this wasn't ideal; I wasn't too concerned as I just wanted to start feeling better, I wanted to see progress made..I wanted to feel myself again.

Throughout my stay in the hospital I realized how seriously ill I was, and how fatal it could have been; not just from what my body was telling me, but from what nurses and doctors were telling me as well. While you are in the hospital, as many could relate, you have A LOT of time to think. What is wrong with me? Why am I not getting answers? When will I feel better? What caused this? How much longer will I be in here? Could this have been prevented? Well so many thoughts including those above went through my head daily; but what mostly kept popping into my head was...what do we have if we don't have our health? Nothing.

Which brings me to my "acceptance"; it finally clicked in my head! After so many years of the yo-yo dieting and trends to lose weight, I finally saw it for what it was. It's not about what you do it's how you do it and why you are doing it. I finally accepted the fact that I had a problem and I wanted to fix it for ME, not for anyone else. There is always going to be a new trend everyday that promises the fastest and easiest results, but it's about changing your lifestyle and being healthy; finding out what works for you! This all really sounds so simple on paper, but until you actually realize it they're just words.

Where do I start....

Acceptance is defined as "the act or process of accepting"; pretty simple eh? Although it may be for some, "accepting" has taken almost 26 years for me to accept. It wasn't until a recent hospital stay threw acceptance at my face; and I finally accepted it.

Here's my confession...

Ever since I can remember I have always loved food. In fact I loved food so much I would plan my day around food. It really never seemed to be an issue until it caught up with me around the age of 10. At that point I became aware that I was bigger than most of my friends and peers, but I didn't quite understand why. Bless my mother's heart she did the best she could to encourage healthy eating and activity. But the issue was that whatever I was feeling I ate them, whether it be happy, sad, scared; they all lead me to food. 

I went on my first diet at the age of 10, and I have lost count of how many since then; in the hundreds at least. Through each failed attempt after another, I would feel worse and worse about myself; my self esteem was basically non existent. And just when I would start to make progress, I would give up on myself just as quick. It was like a constant battle, that I could not win.

What was the problem? Did I just love food? Was I addicted to food? Did I eat to make myself feel better? Was food even the problem?

Well here I am; I am almost 26 years old and finally accepting that I have a problem. My problem lies with food, and throughout this journey I hope to find out why.